When you lose someone you deemed the love of your life, or even someone who has been a large part of your life, it's hard to actualize how to deal with that loss.
And because I realized that I've talked about the Necessity of Closure, Forgiveness, and Compromise, but failed to share tools to navigate the first three to six months after a break-up, I composed this post.
Why the first three to six month?
Well, that's because it gets easier after that to move on, but those first three to six are very critical and typically the hardest. Everything you do in that time, either helps or hinders your ability to heal.
Therefore, if you fail to successfully navigate the first three to six months after a major break-up, then you may be looking at the next three to six years of struggle. Especially if you ever intend to start and maintain a new relationship.
Here are 4 periods that you must embrace and endure, in order to successfully manage a break-up.
I. Recognizing The End
We don't typically accept it, but we certainly know when the end of the relationship is approaching. A lot of the time we try to distance ourself from the reality of it.
This period is really simple because you can do 1 of 2 things, either acknowledge that the break-up is approaching and prepare yourself for the separation period, OR you can actively try to confront and address the concerns that got you to this point.
If the relationship is worth saving, put the effort into rectifying the miscommunication and turmoil in the relationship. But once you realize that the issues are irreconcilable, do yourself a favor and prepare yourself for the period of separation.
II. The Separation
If you fail to recognize the end, the separation stage of the break-up is challenging.
The separation stage is a place where you allow yourself time to deal with the aspects of the relationships that caused it to come to an end. The separation is the hardest stage because you are challenged to accept your faults as well as your former partners. You have to be open to saying that I played apart in this break-up as well.
This period/point in the break-up is for you to come to terms with the fact that placing blame is pointless. The more you redirect your focus to solely the actions of your partner, you make it harder to rationalize the break-up. If you fail to rationalize, you fail to accept and you fail to move on...
III. The Shift
The shift is the period in your break-up when you start to get adjusted to not having that individual in your life as he/she once was. During this phase of the break-up period, you begin to realize moving on is possible, and work to regain a sense of independence and normalcy.
In this phase you have accepted the loss and are working toward being for something greater.
IV. Moving on
Every period before now, helps prepare you for co-existance. Co-existing is the ultimate lesson of moving on.
When you can co-exist, with your former partner in the absence of anger, sadness, etc., you allow yourself to process the break-up as a lesson.
When you move on, you allow those lessons to make you a better partner in coming relationships.
We typically like to view this phase of break-up management as dismissing your former partner and his/her impact on your life. Problem is dismissing their impact hinders your growth from the experience.
One thing to remember, as you are going through each period, is pay special attention to your emotions. You honestly should not be as emotional regarding the break-up if you are navigating each of these periods correctly.