I know this is ironic but, you know the moment you realize that something you've been working so hard to achieve, or fix, is better left broken? OR The moment you realize you can't solve everything? OR The moment you accept that things may be better if you no longer get involved?
Well, I recently had one of those moments. A moment in which I relinquished all efforts to try and fix something that I never broke!
While in conversation with one of my one of my best friends, she worded so perfectly how I have the "helper" mentality.
Now because I know us, I immediately understood what she meant by the term. And she even owned having the same mentality herself. But for those who don't, let's answer the question...
WHAT IS A HELPER?
Well let's see, someone with the "helper" mentality seeks to fix, mend and/or repair men, women or situations that may be beyond repair or quite frankly not ready for repair.
A "helper" gives his/her all (exhaust all efforts) to ensure positive results, despite ever receiving a request for help.
Get it now?
Assuming you do, here's my story...
A light bulb went off for me in conversation that day, because I realized, a "helper", is exactly who I am.
Before anything else, my innate nature is to help. Which make sense if I had thought of it, especially because I literally help people for a living. It's in my DNA. And since she (my best friend) knows me well enough to be able to diagnose me, LOL, I appreciated this conversation that much more, and it positively changed my outlook.
The conversation that I've so frequently referenced, was about one of my previous relationships. I shared with my friend concern for a loved one's, who we will refer to as Cooper, inability, readiness and willingness to change.
In my time with Cooper, it was evident that the chemistry was solid and the love and attraction were present, but, the more I evolved, the more I realized that we were not evolving together.
So what did I do?
I wanted to help him of course. I wanted him to want to be what I needed because I was ready, without ever acknowledging that he wasn't.
So in some instances I pushed, but the results never were returned in my favor. Which ultimately led to me accepting that Cooper and I can love each other all day, but if we are evolving at the same pace, someone will be left behind. And the odds were not in our favor...
WHAT CHANGED FOR ME?
Despite the fact that Cooper and I were ok with acknowledging that we shouldn't compromise our individual desires, when I stopped trying to force help, I realized I didn't want to compromise, and existing became a lot easier.
First, however, was accepting that I too often go above and beyond to help people fix themselves or situations, even when I don't realize (or fail to accept) that my help is not desired, or that the individual is not ready to be mended. So, I decided to just be patient, patient with people and their relationships.
I decided to be patient with myself also. Because most often I have so much wisdom that I am overly eager to share it, but I learned a long time ago that people have to be in the right place (and sometimes moment) to receive information. And regardless to who shares the wisdom or information with them, they have to be ready to hear it and learn from it. Otherwise efforts are wasted!
And naturally, I too decided to stop wasting my time and energy on unwanted conversations. I accepted that I can't help if someone doesn't want my help, and I surely will not and can not be effective if they are not ready to change...